Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: A Scientific Ranking
It’s hard to have an unbiased opinion of the housewives. Whether you are team LVP or team Kyle, this list breaks things down to a point system to prove once and for all who the most valuable is. Any guesses?
RHOBH used to be my favorite franchise. Like many things I love, (ahem, Veronica Mars) the show has really suffered. I even stopped watching the last episodes of this season. What has gone wrong? Who is to blame? Those questions are for another day. The question we are going to answer today is, who is the best of RHOBH and who has dragged the show down.
I have come up with a comprehensive number system to rank the housewives, because that is just how I like to spend my time. I was hoping this would keep out my own bias, but I am a very opinionated person, so we’ll see how that goes.
# of Seasons they Appear Full Time- 5 points for each season
# of Really Raw Storylines (Divorce,Death,Addiction,ETC)- 5 points each
# of Iconic Moments- 5 points each
# of Successfully Launched Business Ventures- 5 points each
Lifestyle Porn (house/trips/life exciting to watch from your couch)- 10 points
Life Trainwreck (life fallen apart in away we are glued to the screen)- 5 points
The Fans Get Their Say: (twitter followers)
- LVP: 1.8 M — 20 pts
2. Kyle: 1.2 M- 18 pts
3. Brandi: 805.2K- 16 pts
4. Yolanda: 683.2K- 14 pts
5. Kim: 592.1K- 12 pts
6. Adrienne: 590.4K- 10 pts
7. Rinna: 579.2K- 8 pts
8. Taylor: 559.7K- 6 pts
9. Camille: 403.8K- 4 pts
10. Erika: 331.3K 3 pts
11. Eileen: 302.8K- 2 pts
12. Teddi: 118.7K- 1 pts
13. Dorit: 116.7K- 0 pts
Quotable Quotient- 3 points for each quote
Comedic Relief- Extra 8 points if they are one of the funniest of their franchise
Real Friendships Had or Lost- 2 points for each
Keep Shit Moving- 7 points (One of the issues with these shows is when the storyline stalls. This awards points to the ladies who are able to keep storylines moving, or at least try to.)
*Points only awarded for seasons they were full time
*One season wonders don’t get a grade
And now, what you’ve all been waiting for….
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS: THE ULTIMATE RANKING
Teddi Mellencamp- Score: 28
I tried to like Teddi. She is painfully normal, but I’ve liked normal housewives before. She’s also very dull and from what I can tell has allegedly monetized an eating disorder. She used to binge eat and now she urges people to eat alarmingly low amounts of calories while exercising a lot despite anything specific or health related to said people. Like, people have to take pictures of their meals and text it in to Teddi or one of her coaches or they are thrown out of her program and get no refund. You break your leg. You’re out. It seems very toxic. If you want to pay her thousands of dollars to text you, head over to All IN by Teddi.
Teddi presented herself as really down to earth the first season. I sided with her over Dorit being late as waiting for people is one of my biggest pet peeves. She cozied up to Vanderpump and LVP is usually extremely welcoming to the new people. Then she completely changed her mind about calling out Dorit for giving up a dog and flipped on LVP. It is completely her fault that the storyline was non-stop puppygate 24/7. Dorit and LVP were both ready to drop it. Teddi told 18 different versions of her part in an innocuous plan to bring a dog on camera. OH NOOOOOO! NOT A DOG.
LVP even got her brother a job. I can’t even. I’m not sure if anything Teddi has done so far is iconic. However, I did stop watching midseason last season. So feel free to correct me in the comments. She is up Kyle’s ass and pregnant. Congrats! You guys have fun watching next season. With this combo of ladies, I am out!
Eileen Davidson- Score: 48
I was super ready for Eileen and Rinna to come on the show together. I thought it would be fun and interesting. I’m not sure it was either. Eileen is a very normal, hard working person. They could have delved further into what it is like on the set of a soap, but I guess that might not have given us too much. She suffered several personal losses in her family and her husband’s family, so it was also a sad time in her life. She could have been a Cynthia or a Heather, a voice of reason and not a drama bringer, but it just didn’t quite work. She also had a hard time letting things go. LVP mentioning her past affair was the end of the whole world and nothing would move her past it.
Her best scenes were playing against an angry Kim or an unhinged Brandi. I felt bad for Eileen that Brandi kept coming at her like such a weird super fan. I think it made Eileen uncomfortable on camera from the start. It’s different just being yourself. We’ll always have the Burbank Film Festival.
Adrienne Maloof- Score: 57
I don’t even know if Adrienne Maloof knows who Adrienne Maloof is. She always seemed terribly insecure with no self awareness. What she has done to her beautiful face, still haunts me. Whether it was being upset that LVP didn’t pick HER Vegas Hotel or freaking out over a benign comment about her shoe line….her storylines were a snooze. Potentially, the most interesting thing that happened, was Brandi spilling a secret so VAST Adrienne convinced Bravo not to show it and skipped a reunion. This continued the RHOBH fights that either started off camera or ones where we were never privy to what was even going on.
I don’t like when people go on reality TV with secrets or who are just trying to put on a show. Adrienne always seemed to be doing exactly that, except when she was arguing with her husband. (Who she seemed to hate.) Can you tell I wasn’t the biggest Adrienne fan? She lost a friendship with LVP and Brandi in the short time she was on and her marriage. Though, we didn’t see any of the divorce on screen. She was IN THE LIMO in the season one finale, which automatically gives her a few points. My favorite Adrienne moments are when she turns to Taylor and says, “You’re having a nervous breakdown,” when she washes a chicken with hand soap, and when she returns to do a magic show that no one watches and Kathy Hilton says, “You do magic now?”
Dorit Kemsley- Score: 69
She is absolutely absurd, but at the same time hilarious. She is willing to get into petty fights, which is key to RHOBH and she has a creepy husband, which is usually more a RHOC thing. She was brought on as LVP’s friend, so of course we all knew their friendship was doomed. She’s got a strange, put on accent. I can’t hate her for it, I’d probably end up in the same predicament if I had a British husband. I’m from NJ and end up talking in a weird southern accent because I am currently in Alabama. Mostly, I probably like watching Dorit because the podcast Watch What Crappens does perfect impressions of her. They also constantly play clips of horrific screaming noises she tends to make. Everything about her seems pretty fake and fraudulent, but she can Beverly Beach on my TV anytime because at least she’s a little entertaining. I’d love to hear about the lawsuits against her and her husband on the show! And less about her being the worst pet owner.
Now, in real life she would drive me up the wall. She talks in circles, makes no sense, and is a bit of a dip. She’ll fight with you about cups, clocks, underwear….you name it. That said, she’d probably be more fun to hang out with than most of the ladies on this list.
Taylor Armstrong- Score: 84
Ah…. Taylor. She was on for the first three seasons, and has been back here and there. She’s nothing if not iconic, she’s even one of the most famous memes. She brought horrifying excess and then her life fell faster than one of Vicky’s facelifts. Her rawest storylines were the domestic violence in her marriage and the subsequent suicide of her husband. I used to deep dive everything involving her and her late husband and their history and the alleged accusations against them are astounding. We may never know what really happened, but let’s hope her and her daughter are happy and healthy now.
One of her most iconic moments is devouring cotton candy with her insanely large mouth. She was also present for the DINNER PARTY FROM HELL. I also think her daughter’s Mad Hatter Birthday Party complete with Taylor doing her own photo shoot of HERSELF was unforgettable. Of course there is the now famous meme of her screaming at Brody Jenner’s mom’s beach house. She also tried to zip herself into a suitcase. I think…maybe…I miss Taylor?
She successfully wrote a book called, “Hiding from Reality: My Story of Love, Loss, and Finding the Courage Within.” Watch out for her though, because she has threatened, “I’m about to take you out back and pull some Oklahoma on your ass.” She also moved passed her husband’s death faster than the other ladies moved passed goddamn puppygate. She kept the story moving.
Erika Girardi- Score: 85
On paper, she should be the most fun housewife of all time. Unfortunately, her clothes seem to have a bigger personality and she literally hires people to pick them out. Erika is one of those people who can’t laugh at herself. She takes everything so seriously and she seems like she needs a couple years of therapy to take her walls down. Because she has all these thick walls up, the only way she expressed herself is through a pop career that was bought for her. Her and her husband’s relationship feels uncomfortably like that Hugh Hefner reality show from back in the day. For someone who says she has zero fucks to give, she’s also incredibly sensitive about pretty much everything. I find her to be exhausting.
Her outfits and saying, “pat the puss,” of gotten her through a few seasons. It also feels like they are just waiting for her to finally have that huge melt down beyond screaming at poor Eileen Davidson out of nowhere. Like, Kyle and Dorit, the Girardi’s have been going through major lawsuits. Of course, none of them want to discuss them on the show. SNOOOOZE. I do feel bad that we spent a whole season talking about her vagina because PK is a creep. That said, pay your employees who dress you a little more and maybe they’ll swing for some pants. Check out her book, “Pretty Mess” and see if you can figure out who she is, cause I sure can’t.
Lisa Rinna- Score: 92
I had always liked Lisa Rinna as a person. She also played Lynn Echolls on Veronica Mars, so she had endeared herself to me. At first, I though she was injecting some much needed honesty to the show. At that point, it really felt like Kim needed to be properly called out. Rinna was stuck in a very long limo ride with Kim acting insane, and anyone would have spoken up. Then it started to seem like she just found an easy storyline target. She could call someone out and be at the center of things without anything really being about her. It was savvy, but also started to turn viewers against her. Randomly asking if people were doing coke in Dorit’s bathroom, for instance. Then, she kind of took a season off. She was like fine, I’ll do nothing! It became abundantly clear that with her doing nothing….well there already wasn’t much going on. It’s the curse of RHOBH that everyone REALLY cares about their image and they constantly fight about things said or done off camera. Rinna has been the center problem in storylines lasting WAY TOO LONG.
Like she says, she came on with her hair already iconic. She immediately had a phrase, “own it baby.” Though, I’m not positive she follows her own advice. Her freaking out across the table at Kim, when Kim brings up Harry Hamlin is one of the most iconic scenes of the entire series. In the end, she’s right, she really does feel like a cockroach. Especially, after this past season. She’s lucky she broke a glass on this franchise and not OC. Shannon would have ended up in the hospital from the glass breaking near her.
Camille Grammar- SCORE: 93
It is unbelievable that Camille was only a full time housewife for the first two seasons. She was full time level filmed and full time level of drama this past season and still no diamond. Now, she may realize she gets a great paycheck and more freedom as a friend of. If she is getting paid per season, that might be a fantastic deal. Who knows. I would think if she wanted to be back under the full time contract, she would be. The first two seasons Camille went from villain to image rehab faster than a celeb who just got a DUI.
She hosted the Dinner Party From Hell, where she coined the infamous “morally corrupt Faye Resnick” line. She also loves to call everyone pernicious. We saw her marriage crumble and I will never forget her and Kelsey at the Tony’s. Her first season fight with Kyle was iconic. Make sure you don’t piss off any of her mediums, her friend DeeDee, or call her insecure. I’ll miss having her dancing and shoulder shrugs full time. I find her hilarious. She might be one of the most underrated housewives. Maybe, I wasn’t supposed to say that…….
Yolanda Hadid- Score: 115
I was always on the fence with Yolanda. Of course, it was a picket fence in the Dutch countryside. I thought Yolanda was a great character on the show and it would have been nice to see her healthy again, since we had to go on her JOURNEY JOURNEY JOURNEY through illness. I 100% believe that Yolanda was sick. I think historically speaking it is messy to accuse women of faking it or exaggerating. That said, when you are rich, you can doctor shop, try one million treatments from all over the world, and settle into whichever diagnosis you like that your money paid for. All of that was hard to watch, especially after she said two of her kids have it too. It’s just statistically impossible. Anyway, besides all that, Yolanda gave us many iconic moments. Whether it was waxing eloquent about her King, who was anything but, or showing us her magical see-through refrigerator.
She had some great lines too. “What means cunnilingus?” I’ll never forget her ordering GiGi to chew one almond slowly or explaining to various people how they should learn to speak English. I’ll also never forget Ken lightly touching her arm and her flipping out over it. I don’t know if we need Yolanda back. She doesn’t need RHOBH anyway. She launched 3 supermodels.
Kim Richards- Score: 129
Five seasons we spent with the spunky alcoholic who charmed us and tortured us like every lovable addict does. Every move she makes ends up iconic and she is very quotable. Her first season was pretty tame and she was very timid until the limo drive that we will never forget. From that point on, we never knew which Kim we were going to get. Would she be laughing at turtles or completely off the wagon screaming, or both. It was the perfect set up for Kyle to come off sympathetic, because Kim is a LOT to deal with and Kyle feels responsible. That said, Kyle seems like a difficult sister to have in her own right.
Kim was rarely the hero and sometimes she was the villain. Hiding Brandi’s crutches only for the two to become close friends years later. Making chicken salad with her hands somehow iconically. Telling off Lisa Rinna and Eileen Davidson and causing Kyle to flee into the night. She is incredibly quotable, funny, moving, and sad. You root for her against all odds. It was quite clear that being on the show wasn’t the best thing for her mental health. However, the show was rarely boring when she was on it. She had real issues. Her real personality was funny and entertaining. I was tired of watching her and Kyle fight, but at this point would welcome her back with open arms as at least a friend of. Bless her always for calling Eileen Davidson a beast.
Brandi Glanville- Score: 130
It’s astounding that she was only on three seasons and that some of her iconic moments happened when she was just a friend of before ever officially being full time. That takes some major chutzpah. She hobbled her way onto the show as a fan favorite because of how awful the Richards sisters were to her. LVP saw a broken bird and befriended her once she saw the footage and realized the Brandi’s version of events was the accurate one.
It became clear pretty quickly that she was years away from getting over Eddie cheating on her and that she was resentful to be used to help propel Vanderpump rules to stardom. It also became clear that she had a drinking problem and was acting more and more erratic on camera. LVP would try to watch out for her as she had done for Kim, but just like Kim, Brandi wanted no help to not look like a buffoon on camera. Brandi is also one of the most quotable people to ever appear on camera. She got carried away with herself and bringing the drama to keep her job, when she really didn’t need to try that hard. She threw wine in Eileen’s face for no good reason and slapped LVP out of nowhere. It was hard to tell what was an act and what was her truly becoming unhinged.
Kyle Richards- Score: 154
Oh, Kyle. Way back when, I was a Kyle fan. I truly felt for what she went through with Kim. I was on her side during her fight with Camille. I still love her as a mom. However, after NINE seasons with her, I find her shtick a bit grading. LVP makes a new friend, Kyle befriends them between seasons and turns them against her. Rinse and repeat. (IMO) Many have said she is a ghost producer. I have no idea if that is true, but she definitely tries to push and control different narratives in the later years. Most of Kyle’s iconic moments are from the first half of RHOBH. We will never forget her saying, “You’re such a fucking liar, Camille.” I was most frustrated on her behalf when Kim’s dog had attacked her daughter and Kim did not seem to fathom how terrible that was.
She was the worst kind of iconic when her and Kim were screaming and pointing in unison at Brandi when Brandi was just a friend of. If you love to watch a housewife move or mourn a child leaving for college, then Kyle is by far your favorite housewife. Her and her husband have gotten a lot richer, despite her business and her television show being a thing of the past. (Let it be known, getting a pilot to series is incredible, so I’m not knocking it.) She never fails in later seasons to show this off and it has become a bit obnoxious. I loved Kyle when she was the more down to earth one. My favorite Kyle moment is when she runs out of the restaurant after the shit goes down between Kim and Rinna. Sometimes, Kyle comes off as authentic and fun, spinning her ponytail and doing the splits. Most of the time, especially in these later seasons, she is keeping a perfect image and doing anything to keep negative camera time of her at all costs. Even at the cost of the quality of RHOBH. Is it possible she’s the worst surviving OG across the franchises? Nah, NeNe probably holds that crown tight.
Lisa Vanderpump- Score: 199
Some of you are about to be furious that her points added up to her winning. Her combinations of lost friendships, successful business ventures and comic relief….put her over the top. The best thing about LVP is that her regular life could give you multiple television shows. I mean, the gift of Vanderpump Rules is one of the best things that has ever happened in my life. The worst thing about LVP is that for the master manipulator that they accuse her of being, she never seems to see the betrayal coming. Somehow, she ends up taking her friendships on the show very seriously and being friends with LVP is a big role to fill. She is all in. Many of the cast have thrown that friendship away and tried to take her down over the dumbest shit. I think once a show has a cast member commit suicide, addiction and multiple divorces, they have a hard time topping the drama. Dorit giving up a dog is not exactly that compelling. Watching her friends turn on her one by one while she is depressed and mourning her brother was so awful I stopped watching.
LVP has a loving marriage. She’s a great mom. She has so many successful business ventures she’s basically the west coast Bethenny Frankel. Her jokes may be a little bit tired 9 seasons in, however, she has been the comic relief to some very exhausting storylines over the years. Some of the most fun moments on the show have been when her and Kyle or good and laughing. I’ll never forget when they went to go find Kim together, or when LVP went with Cedric to the DMV. I loved her calling out Kyle for buddying up to whoever’s house needs to be sold. She’s always ready with a quip. Maloof Hoof anyone?
She’s a Queen in pink, her dogs are famous, she is a humanitarian and she doesn’t need RHOBH. I’m guessing RHOBH needed her.
ONE HIT WONDERS:
I thought I would give a shout out to the ladies we only spent one season with. My favorite was Joyce Giraud. Denise Richards will be on another season, so when that happens, we will factor her into the big list. Carlton and Kathryn were duds, IMO.
What about all of you? Let me know how your list would score based of the point system.
RHOBH will never emotionally fulfill any of us again.