The President Should Not Be 80!

*To be fair, Marx was not a democratic socialist. Whatevs the Bros will come for me anyway.

This is not normal. This is not okay. We have fantastic candidates who are age appropriate and aren’t having heart surgery on the goddamn campaign trail. Keep reading to find out how right I am.

Hello, friends! Impeachment is upon us and with the right person elected, we might not all die from some combination of fascism and climate change.

Photo by Bob Blob on Unsplash

However, people are just going wild over some guys who are really fucking old. I know, call me an ageist, but I’d like my president middle aged and not a burden on their local Apple store.

I’d also like my president to be a woman and preferably not white, but that’s a whole different conversation.

I am not saying the President has to roll in like Bill Clinton, JFK, Ulysses S. Grant, or Barack Obama looking like a snack. I’m just saying, that you should not be able to run for President if you will hit the age of 80 during your potential two terms.

Okay, Ulysses, hiiiiiiiiiii!

When Hillary Clinton was 68 years old she got pneumonia on the campaign trail and the media went CRAZY. You would have thought the woman was two steps from the grave. Bernie Sanders is currently 187 years old and just had a HEART ATTACK and his supporters are like, get back out there bro! And to that I say, no!

Speaking of snacks.

Don’t get back out there, bro. Go home and REST. Read one of the copies of your book that is sitting in piles at your house. Binge watch Big Little Lies. Enjoy retirement. If he IS elected he would turn EIGHTY FUCKING YEARS OLD his first year as President. He would be almost 90 if he lived through two terms. You have seen how the presidency ages people, what is he going to look like at the end of two terms?

George W. Bush started the presidency looking like Dennis Quaid from American Dreamz, Dreams with a Z, and by the time he was done he looked like Colonel Sanders.

Jimmy “Literal Angel On Earth” Carter said he could never have handled the presidency at 80 and that man is 95 years old building houses in the summer heat. And if we HAD to have an ancient president, I’d vote for Jimmy. He only had one term, and frankly I think he’s the best president we’ve ever had. If Jimmy says there should be an age limit, I believe him.

Seriously though, historically speaking this is not normal. One could argue that life expectancy has changed since this nation was founded on genocide and misogyny back in the late 1700s, but our Presidents have always been wealthy white men, and they tend to have access to good medical care. John Adams, our second President, lived to be 90 years old. He was only 61 when he was elected President.

We have NEVER in our history had a president that was 80 years old while president. I am serious. Never. We’ve been complaining about old white dudes being President, but by Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden standards, Ronald Reagan was a spring chicken when he got elected at the age of 69.

Can you feel Ronald laughing at us from the grave? I can.

Septuagenarians (people in their seventies) have trouble learning new things. That’s why Bernie Sanders has been giving the same stump speech for SIXTY YEARS! (When he stopped stealing electricity from a neighbor, avoiding child support, and finally started to vote.)

Right……….

That is also why Joe Biden talks to young girls like he’s out of a 1950s sitcom, gets really handsy, and has the track record of your most BASIC old white dude. Waaaah bussing! Waaaah Anita Hill! Waaaah the crimes bill! But, Barack LIKES ME!!!!!

People in their seventies also have trouble multi-tasking and remembering things. However, guys, we are not even talking about septuagenarians. We are talking about octogenarians. The current life expectancy in the United States is like 78 years old. That is how old Bernie is now. And he just had a heart attack. Women are more likely to live into their 80s, but we’ve got Joe and Bernie just plugging along, getting botox and acting like ANY OF THIS is normal. Besides the fact that there are better candidates, even if you LOVE either of their policies and think they are the bees knees*, they are TOO DAMN OLD.

*Biden and Sanders would recognize this ginchy jargon.

Elizabeth Warren is 70 years young, under normal circumstances that is incredibly old to be running for President. If elected, she would be the oldest President ever at the start of her first term. Donald Trump was 70 going on 3 years old and Ronald Reagan was 69 and maybe already had Alzheimers. After that, you’ve got William Henry Harrison and Zachary Taylor, but that’s not a glowing endorsement seeing as they died of typhoid fever and the stomach flu respectively during their presidencies.

After that, you’ve got George H. W. Bush at 64 years old. Suddenly, it seems like he was a baby in comparison to the ages we are talking about. To put it into further perspective, FDR died at the age of 63 and my man was already into this FOURTH TERM.

In summary, I suggest that if Article II, Section 1, Clause 5 of the constitution says the President has to be at least 35, then we can add a clause that says you cannot run for President if you would reach the age of 80 within your two potential terms in office. Meaning, you can’t be elected after the age of 71.

If my clause became law, then Elizabeth Warren would just skirt in.

However, might I suggest:

Kamala Harris is 54 years old and has the prosecutorial experience to drag the FLOOR with Trump. She never pretended to be Native American. She does not call nine year olds, “little lady.” She doesn’t constantly bash the democratic party. And she has been an incredible ally to the LGBTQIAPD community. She is running a herstoric campaign and the media is not giving her the time and credit she deserves. The Russian bots are against her, which means Putin is scared and she is fucking fantastic.

Cory Booker is 50 years old and is the first Black Senator New Jersey has ever had. He was the Mayor of Newark, which is probably why he has adopted such a kumbaya, zen attitude in life, because seriously, I’m from New Jersey and to make a difference in Newark you have gotta be optimistic.

Julian Castro is a cool 45 years old. He is absolutely brilliant and served in President Obama’s cabinet as the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. He was mayor of San Antonio, and I dare you to find a policy that he is not on point about.

There are a couple other young white dudes you can check out on your own time. I prefer my candidates to be women and/or people of color. That’s just me. I think we’ve had enough old white dudes. How about you?

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Jess Eisenberg

Jess Eisenberg

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