Tyrion Lannister and Logan Echolls Go For a Drink
Spoilers for Game of Thrones and Veronica Mars Season 4. If you are still heartbroken that LoVe is dead, please read on and find some peace. I do not personally own these characters, but if I did their lives would have sucked less.
I am now on my third round of writing strange things to help me move on from the fact that Rob Thomas BLEW UP LOGAN ECHOLLS.
Perhaps, other Marshmallows are over it by now, but I may be sad for the rest of my life, and that is my right. Check out Exploding Marshmallows for all of those details. I also wrote a little thing called Meredith Grey and Veronica Mars Get a Drink, but I’m still so angry at Veronica, that it didn’t do the trick.
So, I thought about other shows that have jumped the shark, or as we #burntmarshmallows like to say, blew up a Logan. I thought of how upset Game of Thrones fans were at the finale, and sure, it wasn’t the greatest….but it was NOT the worst. The writers clearly wanted to do a full circle element with the surviving characters and #GOT fans should be able to ride the “Arya lived” train straight passed Westeros.
I truly feel like Logan was the Tyrion of Veronica Mars. Even, Game of Thrones wasn’t dumb enough to kill Tyrion. There are certain characters that end up the heart beat of a show. They are not always who the writers or creators intended, but some actors transcend the original hand they were given and become EPIC. So, here’s to two of the best television characters of all time.
(Tyrion Lannister and Logan Echolls are sitting side by side at a bar. Tyrion is already quite drunk, but Logan is nursing his first drink.)
Tyrion: You know, it isn’t going to drink itself.
Logan: (Eyes him.) ……….
Tyrion: Too good a man to speak to me? Or are you a mute…….. Ah, you are a mute. I think my father would have been happier if I had been born mute.
Logan: “A good man will kill you with hardly a word.” That’s Terry Pratchett.
Tyrion: Aaaah, so you are a thinker.
Logan: I think….. I think I might be dead.
Tyrion: Or you’re touched in the head.
Logan: I remember…..fire.
Tyrion: (shudders) I could live my whole life without ever speaking of fire again.
Logan: So, you… aren’t dead?
Tyrion: No. No one would dream of killing me off. They need me to sell their weak plotlines with endless soliloquy.
Logan: Then, who are you?
Tyrion: Ooooh, you must think I’m the purgatory elf come to greet you then?
Logan: I like the idea of a purgatory elf. Sorry, that’s offensive?
Tyrion: I’ve heard worse. On my show, most everyone dies. If that makes you feel better.
Logan: A little? I felt like they had put me through so much. I thought I kind of earned some happiness…. More time with her.
Tyrion: Of course, there’s a her. Tell me about her, buxom? Witty? A Queen, perhaps?
Logan: Tiny, hostile, blonde.
Tyrion: Blonde. I’ll never trust a blonde woman again. No one on my show has time to be happy either, all the traveling takes months and months. Unless you ride a dragon.
Logan: A dragon!? What show are you on?
Tyrion: Game of Thrones. Ancient families vie for their right to the iron throne. My family had it. We were the celebrities of the kingdom.
Logan: I know how that feels. My parents were in the acting business. My dad was a BIG star. (does jazz hands.)
Tyrion: Was that…. Fun?
Logan: Fun? You think I’m having fun?
Tyrion: Perhaps not, most actors are quite poor. Shall I get us another round of drinks?
Logan: I had put drinking behind me.
Tyrion: As in, you stored all your supply in a wagon?
Logan: Have you ever been sober?
Tyrion: Not while I’m awake. It quiets the demons.
Logan: Now see, that is why I went to therapy. But, she wouldn’t go and she had a psychology degree.
Tyrion: What, in the name of the old gods and new, is therapy?
Logan: You’ve met multiple gods? So, I am dead.
Tyrion: What? I AM NOT THE PURGATORY ELF!
Logan: Okay, okay. Sorry. I’m just not sure if I would go to the good place or the bad place. You know?
Tyrion: As long as you don’t turn into a white walker, I don’t see an issue. Here, let’s cheers to your dad!
Tyrion: Fair, I wouldn’t cheers to mine either.
Logan: He wasn’t poor. We were very rich.
Tyrion: Ah, money does make life easier.
Logan: And he was a murderer.
Tyrion: Aren’t we all?
Logan: I wasn’t, until I joined the Navy. Though, most people thought I killed a LOT of people.
Tyrion: My father treated me less than the dirt under his boots. Blamed me for the death of my mother. She died trying to push me out. He treated me like a little monster. A burden. But, I persevered. I used my big brain and my wit. Yes, being cunning can get you very far in life. I fucked every whore in the kingdom, even fell in love. My family wouldn’t have it. Destroyed any chance I ever had at love. I found out the love of my life was fucking my father- and-
Logan: WHOA WHOA. Seriously?
Tyrion: Would I make that up?
Logan: It’s just that, my father fucked the love of my life too. Well, I thought she was the love of my life at the time.
Tyrion: Is that a thing that happens often throughout the realm? I thought my situation was….unique.
Logan: Let’s get another drink.
Tyrion: Hear! Hear!
Logan: I’ll pay.
Tyrion: No, I owe this bar a lot of money. And a Lannister always pays his debts.
Logan: Our dads sound a lot alike. My dad used to beat the shit out of me. Broke my nose, my arm, burnt cigarettes out on my arm. I never talked about it really. A little to my therapist.
Tyrion: Is a therapist like a courtesan?
Logan: No. They help you deal with past trauma. I’ll give you her number.
Tyrion: Number… Are you allowed to sleep with your therapist?
Logan: No, man. That would be unethical.
Tyrion: Hmm. I’m not sure I want to visit your Kingdom.
Logan: You might like it out west.
Tyrion: Ah, west of Westeros. Perhaps, you’ve met Arya Stark. Tiny, annihilates anyone who comes in her path. Turns her grief into rage.
Logan: I don’t know her, but she sounds like someone I know.
Tyrion: I murdered my father as he sat on the toilet.
Logan: That……is amazing.
Tyrion: Yes, it was. It may have cost us the Iron Throne.
Logan: So the Iron Throne is not the name of the toilet?
Tyrion: What? No? Do they name toilets in your realm?
Logan: I wish I had murdered my father. He drove my mom to suicide, murdered my girl friend who he had been fucking, and then he locked my other girlfriend in a freezer and set it on fire.
Tyrion: Fire. Did she survive?
Logan: Yes, she always survives. Rome burns around her. We’re all just pieces in her game.
Tyrion: You are in a game of thrones as well and we both lost our parents. Well, I offed one.
Logan: Any siblings? I’ve got a nice brother, but I didn’t know about him until I was an adult.
Tyrion: I loved my brother.
Logan: My sister is a narcissistic, manipulative, twat.
Tyrion: So was my sister! That’s why I always wished my brother would stop fucking her.
Logan: That is….gross, but, I think I like you.
Tyrion: I know I like you.
Logan: So, how did you do it?
Logan: Your father?
Tyrion: It was a crossbow.
Logan: Shit. That is….epic.
Tyrion: He had sentenced me to death for poisoning my nephew, which he knew I did not do.
Logan: They always try to make like we’re the bad guys, huh?
Tyrion: When really we’re the heart of the show. Sure, we’re not perfect. But, how could we be. Money doesn’t protect your from torment and abuse and bloodshed.
Logan: So much bloodshed. And then….death.
Tyrion: You say you remember fire?
Logan: Yes. I…went to move the car. There was street cleaning.
Tyrion: I won’t even ask. And then what.
Logan: Fire and then nothing.
Tyrion: It was clearly a dragon.
Logan: We don’t have those.
Tyrion: Then your blondie used wildfire.
Logan: No, Veronica wouldn’t kill me.
Tyrion: Did she do anything to stop it?
Logan: I- I don’t know. It must have been a bomb? Another bomb and we didn’t realize….
Tyrion: West of Westeros sounds dangerous.
Logan: Yeah. Somehow, it’s the most dangerous place in California?
Tyrion: I worry for Arya. I should send a raven.
Logan: Like, the bird?
Tyrion: What else would a raven be?
Logan: A writing desk? You think she’s in trouble. This Arya?
Tyrion: Yes, I do.
Logan: Then, let’s sober you up and go find her.
Tyrion: But, aren’t you dead?
Logan: I don’t feel dead.
Tyrion: Did they show you die.
Logan: I don’t think so.
Tyrion: So, no one’s seen the body.
Tyrion: Then you’re not dead at all. You’ve simply relocated.
Logan: Relocated. I like it. It was always weird that I stayed in Neptune.
Tyrion: I have no idea what that means, but I do think I’d quite like a therapist. Even if I can’t fuck her. How are you on a horse?
Logan: I was hoping we could ride a dragon.
Tyrion: Cheers to avoiding blondes and fire!
(They cheers and down their drinks. They head off on horseback in search of Arya.)
And I head off to hoping that someday, I will be able to love Veronica Mars again.